why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
