If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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