I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
