Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
