Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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