You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
