I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
