Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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