Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
