I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
