I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
