I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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