I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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