Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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