dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
