You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize