im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
