i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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