he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
