maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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