cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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