Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
