Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
