Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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