One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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