??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
