Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
