I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
