I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There are leaves in my underwear?
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