i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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