That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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