There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
