Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
