Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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