just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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