I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
