I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
