I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
