It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
