I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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