It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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