The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
