Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
