I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
my liver is dry heaving
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
