Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
