I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
