Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
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All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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