I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
