Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
