I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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