If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
