You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
