I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
