Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
