i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
