well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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