I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
