he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
